bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
