apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
