So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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