I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
