This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
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