Just fell off a train. Bad.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
