Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
