There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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