They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
