the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
