The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
