mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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