After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Randomize
