my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
