Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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