i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
