Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
