you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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