Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
