I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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