I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
