I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Is Oprah even human
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
last night I used snow as a chaser
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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