It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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