Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
