My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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