Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
