I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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