two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
