i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
