I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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