She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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