When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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