who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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