Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
