Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
