i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
