We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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