If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just want to make out with him forever
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize
