Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
