I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
