i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
