Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
