you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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