so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i drank out of a bidet.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
