Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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