so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
