I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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