tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
