My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
