I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
