'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
